June Lake, CA

This morning I woke up at 3:45am. First thing I did was register for the daily lottery of Cables at Half Dome in Yosemite. By 3:52am, I was checked out and trying to lay back down. With no luck, I was wide awake and ready for the day. Even Oliver and Cooper (my 2 lil, but very curious cats) wanted to sleep more and weren't prepared for my rise. So we all got back up out of bed around 4:10am. Many know this isn't uncommon for me to get up this early, but I had a long drive ahead of me and the extra sleep could have helped. (By the way, the lottery closes at 4pm and they announce the lottery results by the end of the day whether you got the permit or not. It's currently:422pm for me)

Roughly around 6:40am I'd had 2 cups of coffee, breakfast and was twiddling my thumbs waiting for my mama to stop by and play with the boys while I packed up the jeep; let's be honest, she was there to see me off and I needed a hug from her before I left.

By 7:30, the jeep was packed, the boys were playing with their new toys and my mama was hugging me with tears in her eyes. And here is where we begin the back story behind this post and those to follow this week.

Many of you know in late April, I along with many others lost a very important woman. For those that didn't,  let me paint a picture for you..

Back in 2007, a bunch of women used to meet on Monday nights and share stories about their lives. These stories always left you with their experience,  a strength and a hope. Anyway, I had just come back from 4 months in Bakersfield and decided to see what the ladies had been up to. I remember hearing this woman talk about life in a different perspective. I'd never seen her before, but many of the ladies knew who she was. She was so independent and bold. It was mesmerizing. She had done the PCT in 5 months and created a tradition of bandanas every year for the hikers. She had such a wild heart. She came over and handed me a card. She must have seen my eyes wide open cuz she said no pressure, if I wanted to talk she'd be there. It was comforting.  She was comforting. So I had called her. 

That next Monday she showed up again. This time she brought a headlamp and told me to meet her at the bottom of the hill Thursday morning at 5:30am. I'm sorry, she wanted me to do what!? I thought it was completely absurd to get up at that time, but now it's something I do regularly 😆. Well, I showed up. It was dark. I was not a morning person. Her car was there and she was nowhere to be seen. So I began walking down the road to the hill. I was beside myself. This was crazy. It was dark, I am small, there are wild animals and I could be their appetizer. But there she was, at the foot of the hill. I was about to go off on my tangent about being left behind when she stopped me. She said, "being on time means being 15 minutes early and not rushing. Being on time means showing the other person they and their time is important to you." I never forgot that.

So, we began hiking every morning for quite a few years. Eventually,  we drifted apart for a while. I'd still see her around and she was always present for important occasions for me, but we weren't hiking or spending that much time together, until a few years ago. A few years ago, I reconnected with her. She was sick with cancer and Cushing's and not hiking anymore, but I began confiding in her again and she began mentoring me once more.

We were able to acknowledge together a pattern that always came back to haunt me in my relationships with anyone; whether romantic, business, friendship, or whatever was over dependence on others and essentially making them my higher power. Sounds exhausting, right? Absolutely.  For me, for the parties involved, it was always exhausting. There was always this unrealistic expectation. It was unrealistic because I expected people to be what they initially were never capable of being. They couldn't be my higher power.  They couldn't be my God. They couldn't make me happy or help me figure out what made me happy or what I wanted out of life. That's literally unrealistic and no one is capable of delivering that kind of demand. It's just not entirely possible. (There's a point to this story, just stick with me here.)

By the way, as I'm writing this I received the email I didn't get the permit for Cables at Half Dome,  but I can still absolutely do the first 16 miles through Mist Falls, to Vernal Falls and Nevada Falls- and it will be amazing! Once you get to my point of this story you'll understand 😆

Where were we? Oh yes, my need for unrealistic love, lol. My relationships failed and not just romantic. I was incapable of being a friend, a manager, an employee, a daughter, you get the drift. Nothing was ever good enough, no one was ever good enough. They weren't bad people, I just didn't know what I wanted or what made me happy. I couldn't make a decision without your approval. I had to know what everyone was doing and where they were.  I was insecure, clueless and lacking a life of my own.

So we began peeling the layers of the onion back. We began diving into what I needed, wanted, wished, loved, Yada Yada. I began biking. I began hiking again. I went back to being vegan. I tried new recipes. And then back in January 2021, we began planning this trip. It was my first vacation on my own. A solo journey. She was thrilled to see my self discovery. She talked about how liberating it was for her each time she went out on her own.

I was heading up to Sonoma County for my twin brothers graduation at the end of the week and together we planned the days out before the final stretch to their graduation. Ecstatic was an understatement of how I felt. It was amazing to watch this process unfold and that I didn't feel the need to have someone with me to create my own experiences. The experience leading upto this journey was nothing short of liberating indeed and im truly excited to see this week unfold.

This beautifully independent woman I loved so dearly passed away on April 28th, but her spirit is still very much alive within me. A week before she passed, I met with her and she said to me, " look for me, I'll be with you my Wild Heart."  I could feel her on my drive today and you better believe I turned that music up louder than usual and just sang my heart out the whole trip up here. I miss you so much Linda, but I'm so glad to be doing this trip along side you and Honoring you in the process.